Gallows humor

Hat tip to Crossing Wall Street.

Somali Pirates in discussions to acquire Magna and TVG
by Winston Armstrong
Blackwatch News(BWN)
Date posted: November 22, 2008

Harardhere(BWN)-Sugule Ali, spokesman for the pirate group that captured the Ukrainian freighter MV Faina and several other vessels in the Gulf of Aden, revealed in an exclusive interview, that the Somali pirate organization is in final negotiations with MEC and TVG to purchase those separate companies and fold them into a new racing association.

The Harardhere Expedient and Licentious Plunderbund (H.E.L.P) for Racing.

The pirates would buy MEC and TVG with cash stockpiles earned from their hijacking and terrorist activities, including the recent boarding of the Saudi Aramco owned, Sirius Star; they have ransomed the Sirius Star for $25 million cash and box seats to next year's Kentucky Derby.

When asked if they would accept seats to the 2009 Breeders' Cup instead, Mr. Sugule, the only person authorized to speak for the organization, informed the negotiator "I hope the owner of the tanker is wise enough and won't allow any more ridiculous offers to make their way to the table. We do not want to kill any crewmembers or sink the ship but we will not tolerate any more insults. We are prepared to fight back."

The Harardhere cartel recently acquired Citigroup (C), and is therefore entitled to government funding under the T.A.R.P.

"There has been much talk regarding the downturn in credit markets and the collapse of the Yen carry trade but we have diversified our investments and are poised to make several more sizeable acquisitions in the coming months. We have dispatched several operatives to visit Mr. Brunetti and make him an offer he can't refuse" Ali said.

"The recent downturn in the bloodstock market has provided us with an invaluable opportunity to acquire exceptional pedigrees at ridiculously low prices. Darley and Coolmore have backed off at the right time and we see this as an excellent entry point. There was an unfortunate incident during one of the sales when a consignor, privately offered us Run Away and Hide as well as Majestic Warrior. We trust we will not have to make a similar example of any other sellers. With the acquisitions of MEC and TVG, we can capitalize on our market footprint and produce immediate results for our investors."

Anonymous sources at Keeneland and Fasig-Tipton did confirm receipt of several large deposits from multiple Swiss bank accounts.

Ali went on to say, "It is monumentally criminal what the Jockey Club and the disparate and inept horsemen's associations have allowed to happen to this noble sport. What the NTRA is doing is beyond me and the kneejerking that has occurred in the last six months is predictably pathetic. There is no place for the drugs that infest the sport and the takeout rate is usurious; we hope to bring some respectability back to this game and bring it back to the people."

Representatives of the Jockey Club and THG failed to return our phone calls. When asked about Mr. Ali's comments, a spokesperson from the NTRA said...

"No comment."